Thoughtless
by RubysArms
Summary: Maybe it was too much to ask for. Too much to ever want. I wasn't sure who I was, or where I was. I often had that problem. He was inside. In his bed. The bed we just shared. Wake up Karen, wake up. This has to bea dream...
1. An Encounter

Maybe it was too much to ask for. Too much to ever want. I wasn't sure who I was, or where I was. I often had that problem.

A smooth stream of smoke poured out of my mouth into the night air. A slight pollution on my part, but mostly just to my lungs. Whatever. It didn't matter.

He was inside. In his bed.

The bed that we had just shared together.

I thought it was wrong, but I couldn't be sure.

I remembered where I was. Everything slowly came into focus.

I was at Will's apartment.

Where was Grace?

She must not be home.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````

She went out for a smoke. She must not be half as drunk as I am, because she walked a straight line out of my room.

But then again, she's had a lot more practice being drunk than I have.

This couldn't be love. No, not at all. This didn't resemble my version of love in any way.

Running into each other in a crowded bar.

Making out in a cab playfully and having cheap casual sex?

Well, not really cheap...

It WAS casual, but what kind of sex isn't?

God, I swear I'm gay, but man oh man.

Ugh, what was I thinking? Karen? Karen Walker? Yes, Karen.

She's having a smoke on MY balcony.

Don't they smoke after good sex?

It was good, wasn't it? I mean, i don't remember wanting it to stop, or even slow down.

But Will? Will Truman? My boss's gay best friend? Seriously Karen?

I need another cigarette.

Will walked out onto the balcony and the sight before him took his breath away by his surprise.

Wrapped in a sheet was Karen Walker.

Smoke pouring out of her mouth.

He bummed one and she lit it for him.

He didn't smoke.

To their dismay something happened that night. It was more than sex. It was more than a hook up between two lonely people. It was something that was irreversible. Unchangeable. It might not have been for the better, but they were both changed, changed for good.

`````````````````````

Make-up. I need make-up. God I probably look hideous.

I walk up to Will.

"Wilma, can I use your bathroom?"

He was taken aback by my comment.

"Do you have to call me that Karen? We just had sex."

"No shit," was all I could say back.

This was a mistake. It had to be a mistake. Why did I want to hug him and just let him hold me until we both fell asleep? This wasn't normal. Usually I wanted to get out of there before anyone remembered who it was they had just had an encounter with. I'm not unforgettable.

He nodded to me and i took my purse and my sloppy pile of clothing into the bathroom.

I stared at the mirror.

I've always hated mirrors.

Mirrors show everything you can try to ignore.

It sees things other people ignore as well.

Like a bruise under your left eye.

Like your runny nose from one too many lines.

Like the bags under your eyes from two whole hours of sleep.

Now, I'm not one to complain, but when I take a long hard look in the mirror, I can't help but feel helpless, and hopeless.

Ugly.

Miserable.

And forever, strung out.

I brush my hair away from my face.

I run cold water and splash it on my face. Fuck.

Cold water is a bitch.

I look back up at myself. Water drips from my eyebrows. Down my cheeks.

No one could tell if I'd been crying.

Not even Will.

Not even the mirror.

```````````````````````````````````````````

God it feels like she's been in that bathroom for hours. How long has it been? Oh ya, three minutes.

Is she upset? Is she trying to find an excuse to get the hell out of here?

Is it wrong to ask her to stay?

I just want her to stay.

I don't want her to cry anymore.

She's so strung out.

Does she think I don't notice?


	2. A Rough Night

-1I took two morphine pills and I come out of the bathroom.

"I've never been happy."

I tell him.

He hears me but he says nothing.

Not that I'd know what to say to that, but couldn't he at least look at me?

"No one's always been happy," he says finally.

Typical answer.

Typical man answer.

Just shut her up and maybe we'll have a round two.

But it's Will.

Well, what does that mean? So what if it's Will. Ugh kill me, I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. Shut up Karen. Shut up.

What kind of statement is that?

I don't know what to say to her.

I love you?

Oh my god, I did not just think that.

Love?

LOVE?

I did not love Karen Walker.

Why was she in my apartment again?

"Karen, I think its time for you to go," I say. I think I meant it…

She looks hurt.

Karen Walker? Hurt?

I know she hurts…but she usually does a better job of hiding it.

Do I care that I hurt her?

She wouldn't care if she hurt me…

"Oh, yeah, definitely. Oh, and don't bother calling me, or something stupid. This doesn't make us friends Wilma."

I gathered some of my things and tried to make a clean break for the door.

"Don't forget to be the usual bitch tomorrow. I don't want anyone to know I was this desperate," he says to me.

At this I feel tears in my eyes.

This wasn't "Will". He wasn't special. It was guy number…oh god, I've lost count.

Whatever, his words are what I deserve.

I gather my stuff and leave.

How did I just say that to her?

I could probably murder myself right now.

I want to call her.

She specifically said not to call…

I have to call her.

I dial her number. It rings once and I hang up.

She told me not to call.

She had no feelings for me.

Her gay lawyer.

Ugh.

What a mistake.

I run to Grace.

I won't tell her it was Will. I just don't want to be alone right now. I'll say it was some guy from the yacht club. That's believable. I mean, its happened before. I'm just your regular over-aged drunken slut.

I knock on Grace's door and Leo answers. "Hey Lebron, can I talk to Grace?"

I have to smile. He can't suspect anything.

Now, most people don't know what kind of relationship that me and Grace have.

I sit down on the couch. He says she's in the shower and she'll be out in a minute.

Me and Grace have two relationships.

The real one.

And the one everyone sees.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't just run to her with every little thing. But when I'm like this.

A wreck.

I go to her.

And she helps… (that's the funny part) *insert laugh here*

Yeah, it actually helps.

I even cry sometimes; let my guard down.

But she takes way too long.

Fuck it.

Fuck it all.

I leave.

I have heels on but I find myself running.

Running to the nearest bar.

I need alcohol.

I need shots.

I need beers.

I need to not feel feelings anymore.

I walk into the bar, and well…that's it.

I'm overly familiar with this bar.

I'm invited to the V.I.P room.

Cocaine.

I do five lines. Five big lines. Oh god.

It surges through my veins.

It oozes through my system.

It pulsates.

Then I start into the alcohol. What's a party without alcohol?

Is this a party? Why am I here again? Whatever. Doesn't matter.

Where did she go?

I have to find her.

I call her but there's no answer.

Duh, Will.

Why would she want to talk to you? After the way you treated her I wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to see me again.

Ugh.

I have to find her.

My phone rings.

I hope its Karen but its Grace.

What could she possibly want now? Doesn't she understand I'm in the middle of a crisis?

"What Grace, what is it?" I snap.

"Well, Karen came over and Leo said it looked like she'd been crying. I didn't get a chance to see her, and she took off, so will you help me find her?"

That was a mouthful.

It takes me a second.

"Oh, I don't know, Grace I," "Look, I know you guys don't get along that well, but come on, I'm really worried. Please?"

I tell her I'll meet her at this bar Lincoln's. Its pretty much equal distance for us.

She wasn't there.

We end up on Lexington.

She's not at the Rose Bar.

Ugh.

I was sure she'd be there.

Grace talks me into going to the lower east side.

She says this is where Karen goes when she isn't just in the mood for drinking.

I walk in and it smells like expensive perfume and puked up martini.

It smells like the inside of Karen's purse.

I see Will and Grace walk in.

Did I invite them?

God I don't fucking remember.

I let them walk up to me.

"Karen, oh my god," Grace hugs me. I catch Will's eye.

Why is he here?

Oh, god, I remember….

"Why are youpeeple here Eways?"

Ugh I cannot talk. I won't even try to stand.

"Well, you stopped by my house and then you just took off we were worried."

Grace says innocently.

Hopefully she just thinks I'm drunk.

Stupid, innocent, naïve Grace.

"Come on, let's take you home."

I stand up and stumble over. Grace puts her arm around me. "Come on sweetie, I'll help you."

I felt Will put his other arm around me.

I shove him off.

"I gottit! Jesusuckin Christ."

I lean on Grace…maybe a little too much.

I don't remember the car ride home.

I just remember I certainly couldn't go to sleep with this cocaine buzz in my system.

I stayed awake for three days off that binge.

I hated seeing her like that…

When she was sober…when she was back at work, I'd talk to her. We'd talk it all through. Maybe I'd even invite her out for dinner…


	3. A Rough Morning

-1"I got a twenty dollar bill that no one's ever seen you without make-up. You're always made-up." ~Mix Tape By Brand new

Wake up.

Brush teeth.

Floss.

Shower.

Make up.

Hair.

Get Dressed.

Shoes.

Drink breakfast.

Go to work…

I'd been out for four days.

It was a Friday.

I could handle a Friday. I mean, its not like I really worked anyways.

I just wasn't sure I'd be able to handle all of the questions from Grace.

When the high and the alcohol wore off I remembered why I was drinking in the first place.

Will…

I mean, I know I told him not to call, but I didn't think he would listen.

I guess there really was nothing between us. I was stupid for thinking there was.

I drown in my alcohol.

I walk into the office and its empty. She must have run out for something. She'd probably be back any minute.

It was a rainy day.

I sit down and look around.

I catch my breath.

Several minutes pass.

The door opens. I don't look up but I say, "Hey Grace, where'd you go?"

But she didn't reply.

Thunder boomed outside.

It was around noon but it looked like it was midnight.

I looked up and Will was standing there. Dripping wet. He must've walked.

"Karen," he says. He almost pleas.

"Oh, Will I thought you were Grace,"

He came over to my desk and took my face in his wet hand.

I didn't think, I just stood up and let him kiss me. ///

She was beautiful. I needed her. I needed her soft hand caressing my back as she once had.

Karen Walker was like a drug.

Highly addictive.

Severe side-affects.

Withdrawal possible.

I took her mouth with my own.

She ran her hands through my hair. ///

Ugh this is how I got into this whole mess to begin with.

I should stop him.

I'm probably going to regret this.

But oh, man.

No I can't stop. Not now. Two more minutes. Maybe five. ///

Ouch, she bit my lip.

That was good.

I wonder if she's high.

I mean, that must be the only reason she's with me.

Oh, Karen.

I think I love you.

Take my heart, take my eyes, I'll never need them again as long as I have you.

Take it all, its all yours baby. I love you.

I love you, Karen.

Her smoky eyes are heavy. They close as she kisses me once more. Don't let my waist go. I can't be close enough to you.

My wet face doesn't intimidate her. Nothing intimidates her.

I adore her. ///

I don't want to think.

I try to turn off my conscience as he lifts my shirt over my head.

This has got to be the dumbest thing I've ever done.

Grace could be here any minute.

I don't care.

His rough face in my hand makes me knees weak.

I try to remember all of the contours of his body, but I can't. Just another memory fogged by scotch.

Grace could be there any minute. I don't care.

I want him.

Now.

I end up on my back in the swatch room.

"Harder,"

He obeys.

Love me. Love me.

Grace never showed up.

Maybe it was fate.

Maybe it was pure luck.

Whatever it was, it worked.

I had to lay down some ground rules. Any secret relationship needed boundaries.

Rule #1: No one can know.

Rule #2: No saying I love you. (even if one or the other may most definitely feel it or something very similar to it.) Ignore the parenthesis.

Rule #3: If we were to say, go on a "date" of sorts, it has to be out of the loop. Somewhere out of the way. Where no one could spot us.

Rule #4: Sex isn't optional, it's a must.

Rule #5: In the morning, after the fun, we'll go back to our own homes and pretend as though nothing happened.

Will wasn't particularly happy with rule #5. He says its impossible to pretend to go back to the way things had been, but it was the easiest way to do things. Karen Walker doesn't like to make things harder than they already were.

I just wasn't ready to admit that perhaps pretending, was harder than admitting the truth.


	4. Things Left Unsaid

-1**This chapter took a long time. I'm sorry. I've had a lot of stuff just, getting crazy in my life. So I apologize for the delay. **

"**You are my sweetest downfall. **

**I loved you first, I loved you first…"**

**~Regina Spektor- Samson**

What is it about suicide that is so prominent? I feel the cool ledge beneath my bare feet and the wind whipping my hair around. I feel indestructible but I know that in the back of my head, one wrong move and I'm just a big glob of human entrails on the unforgiving city sidewalk.

I feel his presence now more than ever.

I need to be near him now. I need to feel his hand on my cheek. I need to know that its going to be okay, but it never is. It never will be.

Just tell me, Will. Tell me you love me. I can hang on if I hear it.

You say I shine like the stars, but they're just old light.

Tell me I'm beautiful. I'll believe it if you tell me.

I feel tears wetting my face. ///

Baby, I know where you go to cry. I see you sometimes, on your balcony in my dreams. I see you crying and I want you to know that it is alright. It will be alright.

Maybe me and you won't change history, maybe we won't be mentioned years from now, but you are my sweetest downfall, and you have to know that I loved you first. I loved you first.

Hear me calling you down from that balcony. Everything will be alright. It'll be just fine if you can hang onto something. Hang onto my hand. I'll never let go if you hold it first.

If only you knew, sweetheart. ///

I climb down from my failed threat of a self-extermination.

I need to dial his phone and hear his voice. I'll play it off as though nothing happened. As if I wasn't crying.

"Will?" Baby?

"Hey Karen, how are you?" I miss you so much.

"Oh, fine, what are you up to?" I need you.

"Nothing much." I'll be over in a heartbeat if you ask me. Ask me.

"Can you come over?" …you have to come over.

"Yeah, I'll be there soon." I love you I love you I love you.

"Okay, see you then." You're always so far away. ///

Lace my shoes.

No need for a jacket, its nice out.

It smells like rain as I step outside. What time is it?

Oh yeah, eleven.

Its late.

Why does she always call so late?

I think its because she hates those long nights alone. I wish I could just tell her how much I hate them too. I wish we never had to be apart.

Can this really be happening? Can I really be falling for this woman I used to battle on wits end?

I only want to make her smile.

What does it mean when your whole day will be fine if I made her smile? Is that love? Is it just a moot fascination?

I get in a cab.

The drive seems like its forever. It takes forever to get to her. Why is she always so far away?

I wonder if she's been drinking. (She's always fucking drinking.)

I walk in and there she is.

Sitting on the kitchen counter dangling her feet.

There is so much to her. So much more than what she shows. I see it sometimes.

When she smiles.

My day would be worthwhile if I could make her smile. ///

Will, your face makes me tremble.

Do you love me?

So much left unsaid.

Come into my bed.

I've been waiting forever for you to take me away.

My highs wearing off.

I need it. I couldn't possibly spend a whole night sober. What could I do? A vicodin?

I need a razor is what I need…

One perfect slit. No, two. One on each arm.

Vertically down my forearm. It'd bleed out. And then…nothing. No more pain.

Maybe I'll live in a moment where I was happy. Happy with Will.

He comes over and puts his arms around me. Maybe he knows how much I hurt.

Maybe not.

How could I know?

"I have to use the bathroom," I say.

He lets go of me and I walk to the bathroom, holding back tears.

The razor is so easy to access.

I cut a little bit. Ugh, what am I doing? Am I seriously doing this?///

She's been gone too long. No water running. No toilet flushing. Not even a pill bottle being opened.

I push open the door and she drops something in the sink and turns quickly towards me.

Blood.

Dripping.

Oh, Karen.

"Sweetie," I say and I rush to her.

I grab a towel and I put pressure on it. ///

Ugh its going to stop bleeding now.

I was going to put it in warm water so it didn't stop.

Is he going to stay with me? I hope he stays with me.///

I bring her up to her room and she's sobbing. Sobbing and I don't even know why.

We hold the cloth there.

I think the blood stopped but I can't let go. I'll never let go.

It wasn't deep.

She might've cut deeper if I hadn't walked in. I don't know, I don't want to think about what might have happened if I didn't walk in. Thank God I walked in. ///

God dammit, why did he walk in? Just let me die. Please.///

It'll be okay. I wish she could know that.

I'll be here all night. I'll never ever let go.

I'll never let her die.

Why?

I love her.

"I love you so much, Karen. Fuck the rules, I don't care anymore. I _love_ you."

She cries harder.

There's no talking to her.

She doesn't hear me.

She never hears me.

She never hears when she's not listening.


End file.
